Predicting March Madness in Mid-November

Every year, for three weeks at the end of March and beginning of April, I reunite with my three good friends (couch, TV and laptop) for the best annual sporting event this beloved world has to offer - March Madness. While ESPN feeds my college basketball obsession in January by marketing Pitt-UConn games as "The Game of the Decade," I simply can't say no. It's really quite pathetic actually. If I were Darryl Strawberry, the NCAA tournament would be my white powder. So I choose to feed my habit by getting overly involved from the start.

Joe Lunardi has made the term "bracketology" a household word. Everyone loves to be that guy who comes out of nowhere to win the office pool. So consider this your place to come to do your homework prior to Selection Sunday. The bracket projections will be updated every couple of weeks until January, when conference play really gets under way and the brackets will become a weekly thing. But enough of my William Shatner-esque overdramatic introduction into something you'll probably only slightly care about (big Star Trek fan though). Here's the opening season Bracketology and team breakdowns.

2011 Bracketology (November 13, 2010)

Predicted conference winners will be noted with ALL CAPS and an asterik (*).

SOUTHEAST (New Orleans)	WEST (Anaheim)
Chicago	Tulsa
(1) MICHIGAN ST.*	(1) Kansas St.
(16) QUINNIPIAC* vs. AMERICAN*	(16) EAST TENNESSEE ST.*
(8) North Carolina St.	(8) WICHITA ST.*
(9) Marquette	(9) Minnesota
Tucson	Charlotte
(5) BUTLER*	(5) Tennessee
(12) Louisville	(12) OLD DOMINION*
(4) WASHINGTON*	(4) North Carolina
(13) OHIO*	(13) Connecticut vs. New Mexico
Tampa Bay	Denver
(6) SAN DIEGO ST.*	(6) BYU
(11) UCLA	(11) Dayton
(3) Florida	(3) Missouri
(14) WEBER ST.*	(14) OAKLAND*
Washington D.C.	Cleveland
(7) Wisconsin	(7) Purdue
(10) Richmond	(10) Georgia
(2) Villanova	(2) PITTSBURGH*
(15) MORGAN ST.*	(15) COASTAL CAROLINA*
SOUTHWEST (San Antonio)	EAST (Newark)
Tulsa	Charlotte
(1) KANSAS*	(1) DUKE*
(16) BOSTON* vs. JACKSON ST.*	(16) STEPHEN F. AUSTIN*
(8) Florida St.	(8) West Virginia
(9) Xavier	(9) Arizona
Denver	Tucson
(5) Georgetown	(5) TEMPLE*
(12) Texas A&M	(12) Northwestern vs. Missouri St.
(4) GONZAGA*	(4) MEMPHIS*
(13) UNLV	(13) WOFFORD*
Tampa Bay	Chicago
(6) Baylor	(6) Texas
(11) MURRAY ST.*	(11) Vanderbilt
(3) KENTUCKY*	(3) Illinois
(14) UC SANTA BARBARA	(14) FAIRFIELD*
Cleveland	Washington D.C.
(7) Virginia Tech	(7) Mississippi St.
(10) UTAH ST.*	(10) Maryland
(2) Ohio St.	(2) Syracuse
(15) PRINCETON*	(15) NORTH TEXAS*

SOUTHEAST BREAKDOWN

Michigan St. returns the bulk of the group that made it to the Final Four last year. The Spartans are led by their senior backcourt of Kalin Lucas and Durrell Summers. While Lucas is likely the front-runner for Big Ten Player of the Year, the health of big men Delvon Roe and Draymond Green will likely be the biggest factor in whether or not Tom Izzo's bunch has another Final Four run in them.

It's hard not to love the way Villanova plays basketball. Scottie Reynolds and Dante Cunningham may be gone, but the Wildcats will keep the up-tempo offense going for a full 40 minutes. Corey Fisher and Corey Stokes will be in charge of controlling the game, with Antonio Pena (how has he not graduated by now?) roaming the paint. Jay Wright and his 14 stylists will depend heavily on increased production from their deep sophomore class - Maalik Wayns, Mouphtaou Yarou, Dominic Cheek and Maurice Sutton - to find the right rotation to compete with Pittsburgh and Syracuse for the Big East title this year.

Florida is everyone's sleeper pick this year to upend Kentucky and John Calipari in the SEC. The talent is definitely there. The Gators' guard duo of Kenny Boynton and Erving Walker are quicker than Winona Ryder's hands in a department store. Alex Tyus and Vernon Macklin will provide the senior leadership on the block. Also, don't forget about Chandler Parsons and his 17-foot wingspan. He always found a way to hit the big shot for the Gators last year.

Washington and Butler both played the role of Cinderella during last year's NCAA Tournament - with Butler a banked halfcourt shot away from stealing the entire show. Gordon Hayward may have left Indiana to make the Mormon women swoon out in Utah, but the expectations are still as high as ever for Butler, who will be forced to rely more on Matt Howard and Shelvin Mack for offense. Meanwhile, the Huskies are the early season favorites out in the Pac-10. Washington underachieved last year before making a late-season run in the conference tournament to make the Big Dance. Expect at least 25 wins from the Huskies in a weak Pac-10 this year.

North Carolina St. might be the team to keep an eye on from this group. While it's been a long time since the Wolfpack were serious NCAA contenders, freshman phenom C.J. Leslie offers the perfect complement to seniors Javier Gonzalez and Tracy Smith (think Katherine Heigl showing up and making people almost care about Ashton Kutcher again).

WEST BREAKDOWN

The Big East and ACC have been known for awhile as the premiere college basketball conferences in America. But over the last couple years, the Big 12 has made a serious case to take over that top spot - thanks largely to the Kansas St. Wildcats. Frank Martin gets his guys to play as hard as anyone else in the country, which counts for more than people think. He also recruits better than most coaches, so Kansas St. is going to be good for awhile as long as Martin and his crazy-man stare stay in Manhattan, Kan. If nothing else, you should watch the Wildcats just to see Jacob Pullen and his majestic beard in action.

There's a lot to love about the Pittsburgh Panthers this year. In fact, most bracketologists (Joe Lunardi included) have Pitt as a near-lock for a 1 seed this year - and rightfully so. Ashton Gibbs and Brad Wanamaker make up a nice combo to run the offense. The Panthers' main question will be finding offense inside if Gary McGhee can't get it done. But if all else fails, Jamie Dixon's boys play defense - kinda like no matter how bad Ke$ha's music may be, you can always count on it for a few good laughs when all the really drunk girls try to perform each lyric without falling over.

Back when Mike Anderson coached UAB, they were everyone's trendy upset pick come tournament time. When Anderson came to Missouri, the trend continuted when the Tigers upset heavily-favored Memphis in the NCAAs. But with a few years in the Big 12 under his belt and a nice recruiting class coming in, Anderson has the Tigers poised to challenge Kansas and Kansas St. for the conference title. Oh, and having Kim English (another Baltimore high school star Gary Williams couldn't sign) lead the way isn't bad for Missouri either.

Things can only get better from last year right? No one expects North Carolina to go and win the National Championship this year (except maybe those in Chapel Hill), but with all that talent Roy Williams will turn things around. Step 1: Land the top prospect in the country (done - Harrison Barnes will be an All-American). Step 2: Create a better sense of discipline so your team stops quitting on you (done - Will Graves got kicked off the team for not following team rules). Step 3: Find a real point guard (incomplete). For the Tar Heels to challenge Duke in the ACC, Larry Drew will have to stop turning the ball over and taking bad shots late in the game.

I could list about 32,249,643 things more exciting than watching a Big Ten basketball game. But this year I felt obligated to at least watch a few - until Robbie Hummel tore his ACL during Purdue's first practice. The Boilermakers had everything set for a title run, but now will likely be relegated to only a Sweet 16. Maybe JaJuan Johnson and E'Twaun Moore can conjure up the ghost of William Wallace to rally the troops, but I feel Purdue's championship dreams can be shelved next to all of Good Charlotte's unsold albums.

SOUTHWEST BREAKDOWN

It's hard to talk about an NCAA tournament these days without mentioning Kansas as a 1 seed. The Jayhawks lost more talent than Jessica Simpson ever had - Sherron Collins, Cole Aldrich and Xavier Henry all suit up in the NBA these days. But they always know how to rebuild (and quickly). Kansas' offense will now run through the Morris twins (Marcus and Markieff) with Tyshawn Taylor, Brady Morningstar and Tyrel Reed facilitating. The kicker will likely be whether freshman guard Josh Selby can help fellow freshman Thomas Robinson provide a little depth off the Jayhawk bench.

The Evan Turner era in Columbus is officially over. Ohio St. now welcomes in the Jared Sullinger era. Sullinger headlines another outstanding freshmen class for Thad Matta and the Buckeyes. David Lighty and William Buford offer up some outside shooting with big man Dallas Lauderdale capable of cleaning up garbage points from Sullinger's double teams. If the Buckeyes can earn a split with Michigan St., Ohio St. has a chance for a 1 seed with more depth in the Big Ten this year.

Does anybody work the college basketball system better than John Calipari? Every time I see him do an interview, I can't help but hear "Smooth Criminal" playing in my head. Sometimes he gets caught (Derrick Rose), and sometimes he gets away with it (Eric Bledsoe). But no matter what you think of Calipari, you can't deny he's the best recruiter in the country. John Wall, DeMarcus Cousins and Eric Bledsoe all left Kentucky for the NBA, but in come Brandon Knight, Terrence Jones, Enes Kanter, Jarrod Polson, Doron Lamb and Stacey Poole Jr. Since 2011 is an odd-numbered year, the NCAA is cracking down on Calipari. His big man recruit (Kanter) has already been declared ineligible. If the Wildcats can avoid any more suspensions, they should still end up winning the SEC.

Continuing with my Big 12 man-crush, don't sleep on another deep tournament run by the Baylor Bears. All they lost was Ekpe Udoh, and with LaceDarius Dunn only getting a three game suspension (Dunn and Chris Brown clearly must become best friends), Baylor could surprise some more teams come tournament time. Quincy Acy (great basketball name) needs to take over inside responsibilities for Udoh, but if the Bears can manage a decent seed I wouldn't want to see them on my side of the bracket.

EAST BREAKDOWN

It kills me to write this...(deep breath)...Duke is hands-down the best team in the country going into this year (I feel like I just cheated on my girlfriend with the loud, obnoxious girl no one likes even though she's really attractive). Speaking of really attractive, Kyle Singler is not. In fact, he looks like he's not all there when you see him play in person. But, man, is he effective. With Nolan Smith and fab freshman Kyrie Irving cutting up defenses, Singler's my early pick for NCAA Player of the Year. If Coach K (and his rat-like features) open up the offense, the Dukies could go undefeated and average close to 100 points a game while doing it.

Is there a nicer coach in all of college basketball than Jim Boeheim? He just moved into fifth on the all time wins list with Syracuse's first win of the season, and he continues to produce top teams for the Orange year after year. Syracuse, like so many quality programs do, keeps on replacing good players as they head to the NBA. Scoop Jardine will run the show for the Orange, but their big guys will be the focal point of their offense. Rick Jackson and Kris Joseph return, but Boeheim brings in seven-foot freshman Fab Melo to give Syracuse what could be the best frontline in the country.

By now you already know how I feel about the Big Ten as a basketball conference. But I suppose credit is still deserved for winning ugly. And nobody wins ugly quite like Illinois. The Illini bring everyone back from last year's team, headlined by a great scoring guard in Demetri McCamey. Mike Tisdale and Mike Davis have the experience inside to battle with the best the Big Ten has to offer. Sophomore guards D.J. Richardson and Brandon Paul will have to make open shots when McCamey gets doubled. If they can do that and Illinois can score more than 80 points against a quality team, don't count out the Illini to make some noise in the Big Dance this year.

The small schools are always the toughest ones to peg heading into the tournament. Most of them haven't played really good teams since before Christmas, so it's hard to compare how their current team will fare against some of the big boys from the power conferences. It's like trying to predict a fight between J Woww and Beyonce - look at that picture and tell me you wouldn't walk the other way if J Woww started yelling at you. It's hard to pick against any Jersey Shore brawler (that's not really true), but we don't know what Beyonce would bring to the table. Maybe Jay-Z has taught her a move or two. My point is this: anybody can pick all the heavy hitters to make it to the Final Four, but finding the untested underdog with just enough junk in the trunk takes a keen eye.

But Memphis is in good hands with Josh Pastner, who continues John Calipari's recruiting legacy with the Tigers. Memphis is bringing in a consensus top five recruiting class featuring seven freshmen who could start for most big schools in the country. Will Barton is the best prospect for the group as he will likely lead the team in scoring by the end of the year. Memphis has four huge non-conference games this year (Kansas, Gonzaga, Georgetown and Tennessee). A couple of wins there - accompanied with a perfect record in Conference-USA - could have the Tigers in the hunt for a top seed come the end of the season.

You did the wave/nod, bro. She could smell your desperation from the doorway.

NFL Oddsmaker

Last week, the talk of the NFL was how either the New York Jets or the Pittsburgh Steelers would be your Super Bowl champion come November. The Jets failed to score a single point against a banged up Packers defense even a Trent Edwards-led Bills offense managed to score a touchdown on. Mark Sanchez is still learning in his second year, but he's likely to follow in the footsteps of fellow USC quarterbacks if he doesn't put it together soon (either underachieving with an offense featuring two Hall of Fame receivers or party it up with Laguna Beach stars until your arm goes away).

The Steelers offense didn't look much better against the Saints on Sunday night. So now we are left with a big mess when trying to figure out who we'll be watching in the big game come February. Tom Jackson and Trent Dilfer can only say the phrase "parody in the NFL" so many times. ESPN needs to let Mike Ditka go on an extensive rant about how Brad Childress is the worst thing to happen to the Vikings since Daunte Culpepper's knee went kaboom while also detailing how the Houston Texans are more of a tease than the ending of Inception (the top totally fell over). I'd feel more confident casting Clay Aiken as the new Batman than I would buying stock in any NFL team right now.

But, that being said, the Super Bowl will be rewarding if only to see Jerry Jones wipe the tears from his eyes as he is forced to watch another team hoist the Lombardi Trophy in his stadium. So let's breakdown each conference to see who are the most likely teams to play in the Super Bowl and watch a grown man cry.


NFC

New Orleans Saints (5-3) - 30% chance
Right now, the NFC is a complete toss up. But on Sunday night against Pittsburgh, the Saints defense showed they can win games while Reggie Bush and Pierre Thomas get healthy. A second half turnaround should be in store for the defending champs.

Green Bay Packers (5-3) - 25% chance
The Packers got off to a slow start (probably thanks to so many people piling on the bandwagon over the summer), but look to be headed back in the right direction. Like the Saints, the Packers' biggest opponent is the injury bug. While the defense looked better last week, they could still use Al Harris and Atari Bigby to sure up that secondary. Plus, Donald Driver needs to give Aaron Rodgers all the weapons he can get since Green Bay runs the ball about as well as Snooki spells (yes, she's writing a book!).

New York Giants (5-2) - 20% chance
The G-Men have won four straight and everyone is calling for a New York/New York or Manning/Manning Super Bowl, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. While the Giants have a good defense again and some quality skill position guys, Eli Manning is still their quarterback. Eli's tied for the most INTs in the NFL so far, and has shown his ability to go cold for extended stretches before (remember last year when the Giants started 5-0 and then lost their next four games).

Atlanta Falcons (5-2) - 15% chance
The Falcons seem to be the mystery team in the NFC this year. Matt Ryan and that young offense look unstoppable at times, but if the Falcons can't run the ball effectively, can Ryan always be counted on to win games for them? In both the Falcons' losses this year, they rushed for less than 100 yards. The defense is good-but-not-great, so the Falcons' hopes likely reside with Matty Ice (I just like saying it) and the offense.

Philadelphia Eagles (4-3) - 10% chance
Michael Vick under center (playing the way he did a couple weeks ago) gives the Eagles a shot. The defense had been relied on to keep Philadelphia in games for years, but when Kenny Britt torches you for more than 250 yards and three scores, it's time to go back to the drawing board. The Eagles' brutal schedule and Andy Reid won't help much either. Seriously, if Creed can replace Scott Stapp why can't the Eagles replace Reid already?

Dallas Cowboys (1-6) - 0% chance
It feels so good to write this. Just for a few good laughs, let us check out where the Cowboys stand as of today.

Tony Romo: hurt and probably won't play again this year
Wade Phillips: just looks confused
DeMarcus Ware: yet to make an impact this year
Miles Austin: might be getting back together with Kim Kardashian
Dez Bryant: the lone bright spot in the Cowboys' season
Jerry Jones: needs a hug


AFC

Indianapolis Colts (5-2) - 25% chance
The AFC is once again stacked beyond belief. You could make an argument for five teams in the AFC being better than every team from the NFC. But Peyton Manning is still the best quarterback in the NFL, so the Colts top the list. Since their "out-of-nowhere" loss to the Jaguars, Indy has won three straight over pretty good teams (KC, Washington and Houston) to regain their form. The defense has greatly improved, but it may be asked to do a little more if Peyton's weapons keep hopping over to the sidelines.

New England Patriots (6-1) - 20% chance
Putting aside jokes about Tom Brady's hair and Bill Belichick's style trends, the Patriots simply know how to win. White America (underrated Eminem song) can't help but pull for the likes of Wes Welker and Danny Woodhead. After the Browns game this weekend, the Patriots will figure out just how good they are with a trip to Pittsburgh and a rematch with the Colts in Foxboro (which somehow is not a primetime game). I know I'm a month late on this, but Brandon Tate could be the key to the Patriots' success, since Deion Branch has looked older than Mick Jagger in his last couple games.

Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2) - 20% chance
The Steelers are likely the most balanced team in the NFL. Big Ben has the receivers to carve up a defense, and Rashard Mendenhall emerged as the real deal this year. Since James Harrison isn't retiring any time soon and Troy Polamalu is still the best defensive player in the league, Pittsburgh makes a solid case for a Super Bowl run once again. Queue everyone's favorite playoff sports question. Does experience always trump old age come playoff time? The Steelers can't afford any key guys to go down with injuries if they want to bring home another ring for the Rooneys.

New York Jets (5-2) - 20% chance
The Jets defense is good. Really good. Mark Sanchez...not so much. Rex Ryan (and his 582-pound ego) put the weight of New York City on Sanchez's shoulders this offseason by naming the Jets the Super Bowl favorites. Can the Jets still win if Marky Mark's Funky Bunch (Shonn Greene and LT) don't control the game? The Green Bay Packers may have laid the blueprint for how to beat Fireman Ed & Co. this year.

Baltimore Ravens (5-2) - 10% chance
Over the summer, NFL gurus across the country were pledging their undying loyalty to Joe Flacco. While Flacco and Anquan Boldin were quick to develop some chemistry, whether or not the Delaware Blue Hen can lead the Ravens to the big game remains to be seen (my money's on no). But Ed Reed improves a secondary in need of an upgrade, and Ray Lewis is still the last man I'd want to bump into in a dark alley. If nothing else, the Ravens will continue to win the award for "Scariest Team to Look Across the Sideline At."

Tennessee Titans (5-3) - 4% chance
Fear the Gold Grill. Whether it's Kerry Collins or Vince Young under center, Chris Johnson gives the Titans a shot every Sunday. Unfortunately, the defense is nowhere near what it used to be and Tennessee's other offensive options are limited at best. But if Lil Wayne can still put out CDs while in jail, why can't Chris Johnson put the Titans in the Super Bowl?

Kansas City Chiefs (5-2) - 1% chance
Yes, the Kansas City Chiefs. Aubrey Huff and Edgar Renteria led the San Francisco Giants to a World Series title, so I see no reason why Jamaal Charles and Thomas Jones can't do the same for the Chiefs. With nine games left, Kansas City only plays one legitimate contender (Tennessee at home in Week 16). While I realize how crazy it sounds, Kansas City has a chance for a first-round bye in the AFC playoffs. My Crazy Theory: The rest of the AFC beats each other up as the Chiefs get the top spot in the AFC at 12-4. Call me crazy, but having the AFC title go through Arrowhead Stadium would make things awfully interesting in late January.


The eyes are the groin of the head.

October: Everyone's Favorite Sports Month

The blog is back by popular demand (or per my mother's request). Either way I figured it was time to dust the cobwebs off this bad boy.

Halloween is nearly here, so naturally sports fans are salivating. The baseball season is winding down (and 17 people are watching), football is in midseason form, Wayne Rooney is getting paid (and paying prostitutes), Alex Ovechkin and friends have a few weeks on the ice under their belts and the NBA season tipped off the other night.

With all the drama surrounding LeBron and his South Beach crew, there seems to be a little more interest than normal in the NBA this year. While the season is 82 games long and no one likes the guy who predicts a Nets championship after one win, it's too fun not to build outlandish expectations after the first two days. I mean, you can't hand Brett Favre a cell phone and expect him not to take pictures of Favre Jr.

So take what you will from it, but here's what we learned so far...

1. Neither the Heat or the Celtics are going 82-0 this year.

While LeBron James led an admirable comeback in Bean Town on Tuesday night, the Heat still fell to the defending Eastern Conference champs. And although Miami showed signs of being The Dream Team the media so desperately wants them to be in their win against the Sixers, I think most now realize it's going to take some time for the new Big 3 to gel.

Meanwhile, LeBron's old friends up in Cleveland did what LeBron struggled to do the past two years - beat the Celtics. After Boston looked defensively dominant in their season-opening win over the Heat, they followed it up by laying an egg against the Cavaliers (led by J.J. Hickson). Really Boston? Really? J.J. Hickson beat you? Bill Simmons cannot be pleased.

2. Could the Blazers be a darkhorse out in the West?

No one is questioning the talent in Portland. Brandon Roy and Andre Miller make up one of the more underrated backcourts in the league, and who knows what could happen if LaMarcus Aldridge and Greg Oden stay healthy. While Lindsay Lohan has a better chance at becoming a credible actress (can you say prison porno) than the Blazers staying healthy all year, maybe they can at least avoid the big injuries. If Roy and Oden can suit up together for at least 60-70 games, there's no reason why Portland can't challenge for the #2 spot in the West. Because who really thinks the Lakers aren't going to be back in the Finals this year with Steve Blake running the show (Terp love). While beating the fading Suns (unoriginal pun intended) isn't saying much, the Blazers' road win against the Clippers is more impressive than some may think. Blake Griffin and Eric Gordon are the real deal.

3. Point guards continue to dominate the NBA.

While NBA cynics complain about an overly-offensive style because most teams don't play defense until April, something has to be said for just how difficult it is to stop these offenses. Kobe, LeBron or Kevin Durant is more than likely going to win the MVP, but what these point guards do is absurd. Over the past three years, Chris Paul, Steve Nash and Deron Williams have been interchangeable atop the assist leaderboard with around 11 per game. Again, it's only a game or two into the year, but look at these numbers...


Jason Kidd put up 18 assists in the Mavericks first game, and he only played 32 minutes (more NBA stars are already beating their wives in an effort to rejuvenate their careers). Rajon Rondo had 17 when he carved up the Heat Tuesday night. And Chris Paul put aside his offseason issues with 16 assists in his season opener as well. You never want to count out Steve Nash, but the Suns sans-Amare just aren't the same. I guess Nelly Furtado will have to find a new favorite Canadian to sing about. My vote's for Jim Carrey. Was there a funnier movie than Ace Ventura when you were 10 years old?

But maybe this means a changing of the guard (more bad puns) at the position. Rondo showed everyone what he could do last year in the postseason, but Stephen Curry dished out 11 assists last night and Brandon Jennings's sweet hair accounted for 10 assists too. Aaron Brooks and Mike Conley were solid with eight assists apiece in their openers. I know I'm stretching when I'm talking about Ohio St. basketball players, but I haven't even gotten to Derrick Rose, Tyreke Evans and Russell Westbrook. The young point guard talent deserves some love. Dish it out little fella (Bill Walton voice obviously necessary here)!

We can only hope David Stern comes to his senses and does what is necessary to prevent another NBA lockout. If not, how else are we going to get to see Charles Barkley and Magic Johnson butcher the English language every night?


Smoke more weed, Turtle. Seriously, smoke more weed.

The 600 Club

Alex Rodriguez did what he does best with the pressure on - seemingly take forever to come through. But A-Rod finally put one over the fence to momentarily silence his critics (while everyone rants about how his 600th home run is tainted by steroids).

Whether you discredit all steroid-era players or just the ones caught using, the fact remains that Rodriguez is only the seventh player in baseball history to belt 600 homers, not to mention the youngest player to reach the milestone.

Hopefully for Yankee fans, this means A-Rod gets back to his normal self, as the Yankees were busy falling out of first place in the AL East during his chase for No. 600. The question is: how many Yankee fans really wanted to see Rodriguez get there? I'm sure they wanted to see him do well for the team's sake, but I can't remember when a superstar was more hated by his own fans without flipping them off. It's as if A-Rod put every Yankee fans' favorite mug into a Jell-O mold. If Derek Jeter is the Yankees' lovable Zac Efron, then Rodrguez might as well be called Mel Gibson. He is William Wallace!

I'm sure ESPN's producers are more than glad they don't have to worry any more about "checking in on A-Rod's next at-bat." After awhile, people just started getting annoyed with ESPN as much as Rodriguez. Bill Simmons, one of ESPN's columnists, said he screamed after ESPN switched to an A-Rod at-bat in the middle of Matt Garza's no-hitter. Granted, Simmons is a die-hard Red Sox fan, so I'm sure he loves seeing A-Rod succeed about as much as Albert Haynesworth loves running these days.

But now the bigger question - will A-Rod catch Barry Bonds? And if so, who's the more hated home run king? At 35, Rodriguez still has good years left ahead of him, especially since he's already in the AL where he can DH when the time comes. But if Rodriguez hits 30 home runs this year (his 600th put him at 17 for the season) and continues to hit 30 home runs for the next five years, then my math puts him at 763 - one more than the infamous Bonds.

Bonds passed Hank Aaron's longtime mark of 755 amidst a cloud of controversy over the new record's legitimacy. A-Rod was never baseball's most valuable commodity even before his admitted steroid use, but his fans are dwindling like never before. Even with a World Series ring last year and putting his postseason woes behind him, Rodriguez is still unpopular amongst even Yankee fans.

The outside factor that could affect A-Rod's pursuit of 763 - Albert Pujols. The Cardinals' slugger is putting the ball out of the park at an alarming rate, and as long as he stays healthy, Pujols will have a chance at the record even if Rodriguez manages to break it. The difference between Pujols and Rodriguez - everyone loves Fat Albert. Pujols has passed every drug test out there. He's the hitter who can do everything and you can't help but root for him (even if your name's Brad Lidge).

While A-Rod's relationship with Madonna won't land him in the Hall of Fame, hopefully his play on the field will. It's impossible to say just how many players used steroids over the past two decades. You've got a better chance at getting Snooki to do mental math in a jail cell. So, why not just let them all in and accept the fact that baseball had a large, highly-publicized black eye? Nothing a little concealer can't cure.


Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Top 10 Reasons to Watch Cincy's Two-Headed Vh1 Special

Apparently, the Football Gods are punishing Marvin Lewis for winning a Super Bowl with the Baltimore Ravens - with one of the most talented defenses the NFL has ever seen. But for those of us who needed one more reason to watch Bengals games this year, our prayers have been answered (while foreshadowing Carson Palmer's nightmares).

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Palmer is all for T.O. lining up across from Chad Ochocinco right now (not mention throwing Antonio Bryant in the slot). Defensive coordinators will lose plenty of sleep trying to figure out ways to cover everyone. But then the middle of the season will arrive. Jeff Garcia, Donovan McNabb, Tony Romo and Trent Edwards will all hear their phones ring. A whispered "You were right" will bring a smile to their faces as Palmer is busy applauding LeBron James for getting out of Ohio when he had the chance.

Everyone is saying they'll coexist just fine, but the team will inevitably find a way to tear itself apart. It has to, right? I mean, Ochocinco, T.O., and Bryant won't be happy going more than two games without padding their stats. And then you have to keep Cedric Benson off his boat, Adam "Pacman" Jones out of strip clubs and Tank Johnson's guns at home. A stress ball the size of Albert Haynesworth couldn't keep Marvin Lewis from going into cardiac arrest by Week 9.


If nothing else, it will make for great television (which both Ochocinco's and Owens's shows failed to do on Vh1). I'm sure NBC is salivating at the off-chance the Bengals make it to the end of the year in one piece so every Sunday night game can magically get "flexed" to showcase the Bengals' cast of characters. Speaking of characters, I would totally buy these guys going into production for Bad Boys 3 during training camp. Owens fits the muscular Will Smith role and Ochocinco and Martin Lawrence are both using bad jokes to remain relevant. Meanwhile, you have Pacman and Tank Johnson caught up in a drive-by as the camera pans over to Cedric Benson grabbing his last bottle of Hennessy off his sinking boat as the cops chase after him. It screams "Michael Bay movie" already.

But the real reason why we love Ochocinco and T.O. is for their football-related antics. So, I put together the Top 10 reasons to tune in to every Bengals game (especially the post-game interviews) this year.


10. T.O. Mocks Ray Lewis Dance




How much will Ray Lewis be looking forward to playing the Bengals? September 19th and January 2nd (in case you were wondering). That means the Bengals and Ravens end the season against one another. Roger Goodell was just spotted screaming with excitement like a 14-year-old girl after hugging Robert Pattinson.



9. You Never Know When T.O. Will Steal Your Popcorn




While T.O. never quite fulfilled his popcorn promise to Bills fans, Carson Palmer can actually throw the ball.



8. Ochocinco Kickoffs to T.O. in Practice?




Chad legitimately did a good job in his limited kicking duties. Maybe the Bengals can use their kicker's roster spot to add an extra team psychiatrist?



7. More Driveway Workouts? (Sorry about the poor video quality)




Will T.O. love Bengals fans like he loved Philly fans? Or will too many sit-ups go to his head (again)?



6. Next on Ochocinco's List: A Steel City Swan Song?






Everyone else loved giving Ochocinco the One Finger Salute, so I see no reason why Steeler fans would be any different. Although I suppose it's a bit difficult to give a guy the finger when you're too busy waving a yellow towel over your head like a hooligan.



5. Ochocinco by a Nose




Every practice should start with a mandatory race between Ochocinco and T.O. The winner shows off their newest celebration, and the loser has to go through practice silent (or at least see if they can make it the first hour).



4. "America's Team" Gets Punk'd by T.O. (twice)




No one hates the Cowboys more than me. But I'm also a card-carrying member of the "Send T.O. to Antarctica" fan club. But then watching T.O. get blasted from behind? A win-win-win.



3. Ochocinco Busts a Move...(love the background bagpipes)




I'd have to call this Ochocinco's best work. Not only is it nifty, but he doesn't get beer thrown on him by an obnoxious fan.



2. ...And Takes His Talents to ABC




Ochocinco and Cheryl Burke couldn't look less interested during this interview. But at least he shows off his humility. "I know I can do just about anything." (Dancing in the club doesn't count though, of course).



1. T.O.'s Tears for Tony




I actually hated Owens a little less after this speech. It appeared somewhat genuine, and a receiver not throwing the quarterback under the bus was refreshing. But Jessica Simpson and a Mexican-tan were too much for Tony Romo to resist. Before you know it, Tough Love's Steve Ward will be sitting down with Carson Palmer's wife asking her if "she really had to sleep with both T.O. and Ochocinco in the same week?"



Let's hug it out.

MLB Trade Deadline

Dan Haren's move to the Angels yesterday jump-started perhaps the most anxious week in all of baseball. Every team and their fans are hoping for that one big move (ala C.C. Sabathia heading to Milwaukee to make the Brewers contenders for half a season). Even if your team is already out of the playoff race, the trade deadline offers hope for next year. Think of it as the cute girl finally kissing you on prom night. High school might've sucked, but now you have college to look forward to (I'm talking to you Royals fans).

This is the one week of the baseball season where the Pirates actually have a legitimate chance of making headlines. Plenty of bad deals and failed prospects have kept the Pirates from the postseason since 1992. Back then Sharon Stone uncrossed her legs at will and Disney was in its prime with animated movies (Aladdin that year was a personal favorite). But at least the franchise can build around its new stadium (PNC Park is worth the price of admission if you haven't seen it), while the management continues to keep the Pirates in the National League's cellar.

But at least Pittsburgh has the Big Ben-to-Santonio Holmes connection to cure the city's woes come September. Oh wait. Holmes got suspended and then traded? And Big Ben is scheduled to miss the first six weeks of the season? Ouch. The Penguins can't get back on the ice soon enough. Sidney Crosby means about as much to Pittsburgh right now as Bono does to U2. Although with a guitarist like The Edge, I think the band would still find a way to get by.

Everyone always looks to add the marquee pitcher at the deadline. The big bat is nice, but a starting pitcher can win you a playoff series. With Haren already on his way out of Arizona and the Rangers pouncing on Cliff Lee a few weeks ago, Roy Oswalt's value is higher than ever. The Cardinals and Phillies appear to be at the front of the pack. Oswalt to St. Louis would probably make the Cardinals the favorites to win the NL with a rotation of Carpenter-Wainwright-Oswalt, not to mention the year rookie Jaime Garcia is having for the Cards.

But the Phils are more desperate than ever. With Jamie Moyer's elbow issues, Phillies GM Ruben Amaro will be even more anxious to throw the kitchen sink at the Astros for Oswalt. And with Jayson Werth leaving Philadelphia considered to be a done deal, the Phils have plenty to offer Houston.

This could mean a trade deadline without the Yankees or Red Sox making the rest of the league jealous of their over-sized pocket books. It's like a summer where Will Smith and Johnny Depp both decide not to make a movie. That happened too? But seriously, how happy are Rays fans right now? It's gotta be something close to the satisfaction of watching the overweight bully in middle school get put in time out.

While on the topic of overweight bullies, maybe Prince Fielder and Adam Dunn will find new homes in a couple of days. The Nationals are in need of putting multiple pieces around Strasburg if they want to make his career mean something in D.C. And the Brewers' baseball relevance didn't last too long as they are back in rebuilding mode once again. Personally, I wouldn't be against seeing Fielder waddle around the bases down in Atlanta. But I suppose there's about as good a chance of that happening as FOX becoming a real news station.

Lord, beer me strength.

Hello World

Alright, so this blog might not be as big as Tiger Woods bursting onto the scene. My readers will likely consist of my friends until I can convince someone else to read it. Although I still do enjoy hearing my mom tell me "what a special little boy" I am.

For the few that are actually reading, the columns will talk about daily sports happenings. But incorporate a little bit of humor as well (at least I hope). Everyone experiences sports at some point. Whether you played soccer as a five year old for the orange team or became the newest overpaid member of the Philadelphia 76ers, we all appreciate different things about different sports. I hope everyone picked up on The Office reference there. If not, it's now my job to convince you to watch the final season come September.

I'll throw in a little bias here and there (Olivia Wilde is still hotter than Megan Fox). And yes, plenty of it will have absolutely nothing to do with sports. But that's why sports are so great. You can go from talking about Tiger Woods not being able to keep it in his pants to how your best friend got knocked up on prom night. Sports are a universal connector.

Speaking of not being able to keep it in your pants, investigators are finally starting to build their case against Ribery and Co. in France. As if the French weren't embarrassed enough in South Africa, the world is going to know the details of how they all still have to pay for women. Franck Ribery may be a little rough on the eyes, but come on. Rough summer for France. Best to keep people away from the top of the Eiffel Tower for awhile.

But, hopefully I'll be able to discuss all relevant sports (maybe even a monthly curling story). But feel free to post comments if you want to hear more talk about one thing or another.

One love Mary J.