Tom, Tim, Tony &...Tarvaris? Shaking Up the NFL

Yet again, the NFL delivered another weekend full of upsets (they're just getting predictable now, Baltimore) and late-game finishes that are sure to have repercussions by the end of the season.

A few weeks ago I made some bold mid-season predictions as to who would make the playoffs and ultimately win the whole thing (surprise, the Packers are still the favorite). And while my projections were about as reliable as calling up Miss Cleo to find out if your girl is cheating, I figured I'd take another go at it, so HERE are the updated standings with the playoff teams listed below.

     NFC                                                            
1. GREEN BAY PACKERS                      
2. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS                  
3. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS                    
4. DALLAS COWBOYS                          
5. CHICAGO BEARS
6. ATLANTA FALCONS

AFC
1. PITTSBURGH STEELERS
2. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
3. HOUSTON TEXANS
4. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
5. BALTIMORE RAVENS
6. NEW YORK JETS

Only one thing changed in the NFC. Did anyone really expect this from the Chicago Bears at the beginning of the season? Well, as I begrudgingly shake my head in disbelief, I moved the Bears into the Lions' wild-card spot after Chicago literally man-handled Detroit on Sunday.

The AFC is a whole different story though. While the potential playoff teams didn't change, the seeding and future schedule importance certainly did. The Steelers and Patriots should hold off the Ravens and Jets for their respective divisions, but the much more intriguing races are in the West and South. Texans fans finally had a reason to believe this was their year - until Matt Schaub's season-ending, foot injury left them naked on their way to the dance (as did the revival of Chris Johnson in Tennessee). The same goes for the Chargers after the injuries moved from their skill guys to their linemen in their loss to the Raiders Thursday night. Both these races could come down to Week 17 showdowns with the Titans traveling to Houston and Oakland hosting the Chargers.

(I'd cast Jensen Ackles to play the up-and-coming Texans to take down CJ2K and the Titans, obviously portrayed by Samuel L. Jackson. For the Chargers, I'd have to go with Bruce Willis knocking out Russell Crowe, the perfect choice for the Raiders, in what will surely be the dirtiest fight of the year. Die Hard vs. Gladiator. Win-win. Alright, I'm done.)

Unfortunately, we still have a little while until the playoffs get here so I suppose we can talk about what went down this weekend. As usual, the division games take top billing.

The real contenders emerged this weekend
In the NFC, the Packers beating up on a weak Minnesota team at home isn't news. However, the Bears showing the Lions how real football is played may have torn the page (corny near-Bob Seger reference anyone?) on Detroit's sports resurrection.

For the South contenders, Mike Smith clearly had all the faith in his offense to gain an inch and none in his defense to stop Drew Brees from gaining 30 yards. While I can't say I agree with Smith's decision, his logic makes a lot of sense given his opponent and I don't see Atlanta quitting on him after a tough loss.

On Thursday night, the AFC West took on a whole new dynamic. Carson Palmer and Michael Bush led the way as the Raiders controlled San Diego throughout to take the division lead. These two teams will likely battle each other until the final week of the season (unless Tim Tebow and his newly unstoppable Broncos have anything to say about it).

Bengals' fans should hold their heads high. Andy Dalton made the late mistake that's expected (and forgivable) for a rookie quarterback in his first start against the Steelers. But given that A.J. Green was hurt for most of the game and Cedric Benson was his usual inept self on the ground, the fiery quarterback should keep the faith (points for a ginger joke and a Billy Joel song).

The showdown of the weekend had to belong to the AFC East. Brady and Belichick reminded everyone why they have three Super Bowl rings and Mark Sanchez and Rex Ryan have yet to win one together. The Patriots offense never had problems moving the ball as Brady stuck with his short throws, but his receivers (namely tight end Rob Gronkowski) did a superb job of running after the catch against a normally sure-tackling Jets defense. Meanwhile, Marky Mark continued to disappoint Jets fans.


Playoff hopefuls struggle on the road (except in the AFC South)
After an eye-opening loss at home to the Jets last weekend, the Bills looked to rebound in Dallas - except Tony Romo made Buffalo look like the Bills from three years ago. Laurent Robinson did his best Miles Austin impersonation and DeMarco Murray continued to roll as the Cowboys looked fantastic while the Bills officially ran out of gas after a rampant start to the season. As much as I hate the Cowboys, only Jerry Jones can ruin their playoff chances right now. If Jerry forces Jason Garrett to play Felix Jones over DeMarco Murray when Felix gets healthy, we'll be reminded who really coaches the Cowboys.

Meanwhile, the current NFC-East leader came up just short as the Giants fell to the 49ers in San Francisco. Despite an early injury sidelining Frank Gore for nearly the entire game and Alex Smith being Alex Smith, the Niners defense got their stops and forced an oh-too-typical late Eli turnover. Patrick Willis has to be the non-quarterback MVP at this point in the season (slightly ahead of Matt Forte). San Fran gets their next test Thanksgiving night when they travel to Baltimore. That means Patrick Willis vs. Ray Lewis. Dear NFL Network, please split screen the entire game - one for the actual play and the other for Willis/Lewis.

Speaking of the Ravens, I think Ray Rice is still rummaging for scraps in a dumpster somewhere in a Seattle fish market. Five carries? Five carries, Cam Cameron? Your first five plays should be handing the ball to Ray Rice! Now that I got that off my chest, Baltimore's defense deserves some blame as well. The D held after some costly turnovers, but the Seahawks ran the final six minutes off the clock since the Ravens couldn't get a stop. And, right on cue, Baltimore welcomes Andy Dalton and the Cincinnati Bengals to town in a "winner is in the driver's seat for a playoff spot" divisional clash.

But in the AFC South, Houston took advantage of the reeling Buccaneers in Tampa Bay to improve to 7-3 - a win the Texans desperately needed with Schaub done. As Chris Johnson and the Titans regained their mojo in Carolina, Tennessee reminded the Texans they haven't won the division quite yet. The Texans' bye week couldn't come at a better time as Houston prepares to rush Andre Johnson back to help Matt Leinart learn his new, three-play offense - handoff to Arian Foster left, handoff to Arian Foster right, throw it deep to Andre Johnson (only if Houston's losing, of course). Leinart nearly pulled a Yoko a few seasons ago in Arizona before Kurt Warner saved the day. Let's hope Houston isn't his new demolition ground.




Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced so he's really not a part of his family.

Quarterbacks

1. Aaron Rodgers, Packers (Bye: 8)
2. Michael Vick, Eagles (7)
3. Tom Brady, Patriots (7)
4. Philip Rivers, Chargers (6)
5. Drew Brees, Saints (11)
6. Peyton Manning, Colts (11)
7. Tony Romo, Cowboys (5)
8. Ben Roethlisberger, Steelers (11)
9. Matt Schaub, Texans (11)
10. Matt Ryan, Falcons (8)
11. Matthew Stafford, Lions (9)
12. Eli Manning, Giants (7)
13. Josh Freeman, Buccaneers (8)
14. Sam Bradford, Rams (5)
15. Jay Cutler, Bears (8)
16. Joe Flacco, Ravens (5)
17. Matt Cassell, Chiefs (6)
18. Kevin Kolb, Cardinals (6)
19. Mark Sanchez, Jets (8)
20. Kyle Orton, Broncos (6)
21. Ryan Fitzpatrick, Bills (7)
22. Donovan McNabb, Vikings (9)
23. David Garrard, Jaguars (9)
24. Jason Campbell, Raiders (8)

Top 10 Reasons to Watch Cincy's Two-Headed Vh1 Special

Apparently, the Football Gods are punishing Marvin Lewis for winning a Super Bowl with the Baltimore Ravens - with one of the most talented defenses the NFL has ever seen. But for those of us who needed one more reason to watch Bengals games this year, our prayers have been answered (while foreshadowing Carson Palmer's nightmares).

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Palmer is all for T.O. lining up across from Chad Ochocinco right now (not mention throwing Antonio Bryant in the slot). Defensive coordinators will lose plenty of sleep trying to figure out ways to cover everyone. But then the middle of the season will arrive. Jeff Garcia, Donovan McNabb, Tony Romo and Trent Edwards will all hear their phones ring. A whispered "You were right" will bring a smile to their faces as Palmer is busy applauding LeBron James for getting out of Ohio when he had the chance.

Everyone is saying they'll coexist just fine, but the team will inevitably find a way to tear itself apart. It has to, right? I mean, Ochocinco, T.O., and Bryant won't be happy going more than two games without padding their stats. And then you have to keep Cedric Benson off his boat, Adam "Pacman" Jones out of strip clubs and Tank Johnson's guns at home. A stress ball the size of Albert Haynesworth couldn't keep Marvin Lewis from going into cardiac arrest by Week 9.


If nothing else, it will make for great television (which both Ochocinco's and Owens's shows failed to do on Vh1). I'm sure NBC is salivating at the off-chance the Bengals make it to the end of the year in one piece so every Sunday night game can magically get "flexed" to showcase the Bengals' cast of characters. Speaking of characters, I would totally buy these guys going into production for Bad Boys 3 during training camp. Owens fits the muscular Will Smith role and Ochocinco and Martin Lawrence are both using bad jokes to remain relevant. Meanwhile, you have Pacman and Tank Johnson caught up in a drive-by as the camera pans over to Cedric Benson grabbing his last bottle of Hennessy off his sinking boat as the cops chase after him. It screams "Michael Bay movie" already.

But the real reason why we love Ochocinco and T.O. is for their football-related antics. So, I put together the Top 10 reasons to tune in to every Bengals game (especially the post-game interviews) this year.


10. T.O. Mocks Ray Lewis Dance




How much will Ray Lewis be looking forward to playing the Bengals? September 19th and January 2nd (in case you were wondering). That means the Bengals and Ravens end the season against one another. Roger Goodell was just spotted screaming with excitement like a 14-year-old girl after hugging Robert Pattinson.



9. You Never Know When T.O. Will Steal Your Popcorn




While T.O. never quite fulfilled his popcorn promise to Bills fans, Carson Palmer can actually throw the ball.



8. Ochocinco Kickoffs to T.O. in Practice?




Chad legitimately did a good job in his limited kicking duties. Maybe the Bengals can use their kicker's roster spot to add an extra team psychiatrist?



7. More Driveway Workouts? (Sorry about the poor video quality)




Will T.O. love Bengals fans like he loved Philly fans? Or will too many sit-ups go to his head (again)?



6. Next on Ochocinco's List: A Steel City Swan Song?






Everyone else loved giving Ochocinco the One Finger Salute, so I see no reason why Steeler fans would be any different. Although I suppose it's a bit difficult to give a guy the finger when you're too busy waving a yellow towel over your head like a hooligan.



5. Ochocinco by a Nose




Every practice should start with a mandatory race between Ochocinco and T.O. The winner shows off their newest celebration, and the loser has to go through practice silent (or at least see if they can make it the first hour).



4. "America's Team" Gets Punk'd by T.O. (twice)




No one hates the Cowboys more than me. But I'm also a card-carrying member of the "Send T.O. to Antarctica" fan club. But then watching T.O. get blasted from behind? A win-win-win.



3. Ochocinco Busts a Move...(love the background bagpipes)




I'd have to call this Ochocinco's best work. Not only is it nifty, but he doesn't get beer thrown on him by an obnoxious fan.



2. ...And Takes His Talents to ABC




Ochocinco and Cheryl Burke couldn't look less interested during this interview. But at least he shows off his humility. "I know I can do just about anything." (Dancing in the club doesn't count though, of course).



1. T.O.'s Tears for Tony




I actually hated Owens a little less after this speech. It appeared somewhat genuine, and a receiver not throwing the quarterback under the bus was refreshing. But Jessica Simpson and a Mexican-tan were too much for Tony Romo to resist. Before you know it, Tough Love's Steve Ward will be sitting down with Carson Palmer's wife asking her if "she really had to sleep with both T.O. and Ochocinco in the same week?"



Let's hug it out.