How the NFL Season is Going to End

With the NFL hitting its midway point, I haven't been able to turn on a sports channel or scroll through a sports site without inevitably being subjected to some bland midseason awards segment. So as I slowly sank into my all-too-comfortable chair, I was gifted with another great idea to kill time with some football nerdiness.

Since people exhausted most of the reasons why Aaron Rodgers is going to win the MVP or how the Steelers and 49ers are playing so well right, I figured I'd tell you how the NFL season would end.

So I went through the remaining games on the schedule and spent a couple minutes determining the outcome of each one (See, this is the great thing about being unemployed. Clearly, a real job would keep me from all this insomnia-induced fun. Pretty much, I feel like Edward Norton pre-Tyler Durden right now).

Anyway, I'll give a quick recap of how I think the regular season will play out, but if you want to check out the final standings, click here (I know it doesn't look like a hyperlink because Blogger sucks, but "click here" is actually a link).

Here are a few things I found interesting when I looked back:

1. I somehow have the Jets winning their next nine games to finish 13-3, win the division ahead of the Patriots and earn a bye. I don't know why. I hate the Jets. The Jets are the Kim Kardashians of the NFL. I just think they'll beat the Patriots, Eagles and the Bills twice (their only difficult games remaining).

2. The Eagles will miss the playoffs because of their early-season losses. This is actually really interesting if you get into the tiebreakers. The Cowboys and Eagles will both finish 10-6 to tie for first in the division. Since the Cowboys will beat the Eagles to even the head-to-head series, the tiebreaker goes to division games (where I also think they'll be tied thanks to splitting with the Giants and sweeping the Redskins). Next up on the division tiebreaker list: common games, which means their games against the NFC West and AFC East. This is where the Cowboys beating the 49ers and the Eagles blowing a 20-point lead against them will cost Philadelphia (also the Eagles already lost to the Bills and the Cowboys still get to play Buffalo in Dallas).

As if that wasn't hard enough for my Philly heart to take, the Falcons, who also will finish 10-6, earn the final wild-card spot ahead of the Eagles thanks to that Week 2 collapse after Michael Vick left with a concussion. If this actually happens, it'll replace the end of Old Yeller as the saddest moment in the "It's not that serious, but I still can't help but get emotional" section of my life. I'm fairly confident Old Yeller is the guy version of The Notebook.

3. The Ravens could yet again have to go through Pittsburgh if they fail to top the Steelers for the division title. Joe Flacco hasn't gotten any better, so the Ravens best hope relies on the Steelers' defense continuing to lose its main guys to injuries (looks like Woodley and Harrison might not play this week). If the Ravens have any chance at making a run at the Super Bowl, winning the division is a must.

4. Thanks to an unforgivably horrendous division, the 49ers appear to be a near-lock for the second bye in the NFC. Unfortunately for San Francisco, the Niners don't match up well with a lot of their potential opponents (the Saints, Cowboys, and Lions all excel at throwing the ball). I don't want to compare the 49ers to last year's Chiefs, but a similar playoff outcome appears likely.

5. After all of the futility in the NFL's basement, the winner of the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes could come down to a coin flip (cue an exorbitant amount of corny Luck headlines). If the Dolphins and Colts both finish at 1-15, their fate could be determined by a simple "heads or tails" call. How fitting.

6. If the playoffs actually turn out this way, we'll be in for a fantastic wild-card weekend. Without further ado, here's the playoff breakdown.


WILD CARD

(3) Saints 27, (6) Falcons 24 - Whenever two division rivals meet in the playoffs, it's almost always a must-see game. Offensively, both teams are great at what the other team struggles to stop (the Falcons can't stop the pass and the Saints can't stop the run). But playing at home gives the Saints a notable advantage, and unless Drew Brees throws one-too-many interceptions, New Orleans marches on.

(5) Lions 24, (4) Cowboys 21 - A rematch from an early-season game where the Cowboys jumped out to a quick lead at home only to watch the Calvin Johnson Show snatch a win for Detroit. The sequel should be even better than the original (I'm thinking Superman 2 besting the first simply because the action and villains are too good. And yes, Dallas will definitely be considered the villains in this game).

Quick side note. The NFL should really think about adopting the NBA's playoff standard for home-field advantage. As exciting as last season's Seahawks upset of the Saints was, the team with the better record deserves to play at home.

(3) Chargers 20, (6) Ravens 17 - This is the worst possible draw for Baltimore. The Chargers defense is good at stopping the run and creating turnovers. San Diego doesn't run the ball (the Ravens' biggest strength is their run defense), and I'm still not sold on the Baltimore secondary (outside of Ed Reed, of course). The only way I see the Ravens winning this game is if Ed Reed returns an interception for a touchdown.

Another quick side note. This would be a rematch of the Week 15 Sunday Night game. With only three weeks in between games, it's safe to say not much would change. I'd give a big advantage to Baltimore's coaching staff over San Diego's when it comes to making the right adjustments (basically because Norv Turner lives to fail), so there's your hope Ravens fans.

(5) Patriots 31, (4) Texans 21 - Easily the best scenario for the Patriots if they somehow don't win the division. Wade Phillips made great improvements to the Texans defense, but Tom Brady is still Tom Brady. Also, as bad as New England's passing defense has been so far, I don't trust Matt Schaub. Bill Belichick will take away Andre Johnson and the Patriots will advance.


DIVISIONAL

(1) Packers 23, (5) Lions 21 - Another great divisional showdown. The Lions match up very well against the Packers. Detroit arguably has the best pass rush in the league and Matt Stafford could pick apart Green Bay's secondary. The Packers will want to see the Lions about as badly as Shakira wants to see Gerard Pique, but Aaron Rodgers and his championship belt move on. The bigger concern: how do you cheat on Shakira? Seriously?

(3) Saints 19, (2) 49ers 13 - Not this year for the Niners. Frank Gore will have a great game. Drew Brees will have a better one. I would be surprised if Brees didn't throw the ball 55 times in this game given the brick wall Patrick Willis and San Francisco's rushing defense has created. But Alex Smith still plays for the 49ers so I'm betting heavily on a costly late-game interception to end San Fran's storybook season.

(5) Patriots 23, (1) Steelers 20 - This could arguably be the greatest second-round game of all time. I hate exaggeration and hyperbole, but it really doesn't get any better than this in the divisional round (which also makes this the hardest game of the bunch to call). The Steelers won the midseason game. The Patriots have Tom Brady. Both teams are overflowing with playoff experience. In the end, Pittsburgh keeps Brady and Co. in check for most of the game, but a last-minute, game-winning touchdown to The Great White Hope (aka Wes Welker) sends New England on to the next round.

(3) Chargers 16, (2) Jets 10 - Another intriguing rematch from the middle of the season. Remember when I said I hate the Jets? Here's my redemption for giving them a bye. New York's D will frustrate Philip Rivers all day, but Mark Sanchez will do his best to keep his team from fulfilling Rex Ryan's promise. And then Jets fans will go all Gangs of New York on Sanchez as his NFL career goes the way of Jake Delhomme.


CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS

(1) Packers 34, (3) Saints 30 - By now, the opening game of the season seems like a distant memory, but it sure was one hell of a game. Not much defense was played, and not much will be played here again. But Charles Woodson and the Packers defense is just good enough to hold the Saints to a couple field goals as Green Bay returns to the Super Bowl.

(5) Patriots 30, (3) Chargers 24 - Another shootout. Tom Brady is better than Philip Rivers. More importantly, Bill Belichick is substantially better than Norv Turner. I'd say it's like comparing Emma Watson to Rosie O'Donnell. It's just not fair. New England outscores San Diego, rumors swirl about Turner getting fired and the Patriots return to the big game.


SUPER BOWL

Packers 31, Patriots 27 - Would be a phenomenal Super Bowl for every imaginable reason. New dynasty versus old dynasty. The likable Aaron Rodgers against the douche bag Tom Brady. But the most intriguing match-up? Charles Woodson on Wes Welker. The best slot cover guy in the NFL against the best slot receiver. Kanye versus Taylor Swift. Jimmy Fallon versus being funny. NBA owners versus the players. The analogies could go on for days (Christian Bale versus anger management?).

Anyway, the Packers will win back-to-back titles as Vince Lombardi lights up a cigar from the grave. It looks like we're headed for another fantastic finish to the season. So pull up a chair, order some pizza and wings (and NFL Red Zone if you haven't already), forget that you have work to get done and enjoy it before Mel Kiper Jr. returns.



I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a carpenter...who builds stairs.

NFL Oddsmaker

Last week, the talk of the NFL was how either the New York Jets or the Pittsburgh Steelers would be your Super Bowl champion come November. The Jets failed to score a single point against a banged up Packers defense even a Trent Edwards-led Bills offense managed to score a touchdown on. Mark Sanchez is still learning in his second year, but he's likely to follow in the footsteps of fellow USC quarterbacks if he doesn't put it together soon (either underachieving with an offense featuring two Hall of Fame receivers or party it up with Laguna Beach stars until your arm goes away).

The Steelers offense didn't look much better against the Saints on Sunday night. So now we are left with a big mess when trying to figure out who we'll be watching in the big game come February. Tom Jackson and Trent Dilfer can only say the phrase "parody in the NFL" so many times. ESPN needs to let Mike Ditka go on an extensive rant about how Brad Childress is the worst thing to happen to the Vikings since Daunte Culpepper's knee went kaboom while also detailing how the Houston Texans are more of a tease than the ending of Inception (the top totally fell over). I'd feel more confident casting Clay Aiken as the new Batman than I would buying stock in any NFL team right now.

But, that being said, the Super Bowl will be rewarding if only to see Jerry Jones wipe the tears from his eyes as he is forced to watch another team hoist the Lombardi Trophy in his stadium. So let's breakdown each conference to see who are the most likely teams to play in the Super Bowl and watch a grown man cry.


NFC

New Orleans Saints (5-3) - 30% chance
Right now, the NFC is a complete toss up. But on Sunday night against Pittsburgh, the Saints defense showed they can win games while Reggie Bush and Pierre Thomas get healthy. A second half turnaround should be in store for the defending champs.

Green Bay Packers (5-3) - 25% chance
The Packers got off to a slow start (probably thanks to so many people piling on the bandwagon over the summer), but look to be headed back in the right direction. Like the Saints, the Packers' biggest opponent is the injury bug. While the defense looked better last week, they could still use Al Harris and Atari Bigby to sure up that secondary. Plus, Donald Driver needs to give Aaron Rodgers all the weapons he can get since Green Bay runs the ball about as well as Snooki spells (yes, she's writing a book!).

New York Giants (5-2) - 20% chance
The G-Men have won four straight and everyone is calling for a New York/New York or Manning/Manning Super Bowl, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. While the Giants have a good defense again and some quality skill position guys, Eli Manning is still their quarterback. Eli's tied for the most INTs in the NFL so far, and has shown his ability to go cold for extended stretches before (remember last year when the Giants started 5-0 and then lost their next four games).

Atlanta Falcons (5-2) - 15% chance
The Falcons seem to be the mystery team in the NFC this year. Matt Ryan and that young offense look unstoppable at times, but if the Falcons can't run the ball effectively, can Ryan always be counted on to win games for them? In both the Falcons' losses this year, they rushed for less than 100 yards. The defense is good-but-not-great, so the Falcons' hopes likely reside with Matty Ice (I just like saying it) and the offense.

Philadelphia Eagles (4-3) - 10% chance
Michael Vick under center (playing the way he did a couple weeks ago) gives the Eagles a shot. The defense had been relied on to keep Philadelphia in games for years, but when Kenny Britt torches you for more than 250 yards and three scores, it's time to go back to the drawing board. The Eagles' brutal schedule and Andy Reid won't help much either. Seriously, if Creed can replace Scott Stapp why can't the Eagles replace Reid already?

Dallas Cowboys (1-6) - 0% chance
It feels so good to write this. Just for a few good laughs, let us check out where the Cowboys stand as of today.

Tony Romo: hurt and probably won't play again this year
Wade Phillips: just looks confused
DeMarcus Ware: yet to make an impact this year
Miles Austin: might be getting back together with Kim Kardashian
Dez Bryant: the lone bright spot in the Cowboys' season
Jerry Jones: needs a hug


AFC

Indianapolis Colts (5-2) - 25% chance
The AFC is once again stacked beyond belief. You could make an argument for five teams in the AFC being better than every team from the NFC. But Peyton Manning is still the best quarterback in the NFL, so the Colts top the list. Since their "out-of-nowhere" loss to the Jaguars, Indy has won three straight over pretty good teams (KC, Washington and Houston) to regain their form. The defense has greatly improved, but it may be asked to do a little more if Peyton's weapons keep hopping over to the sidelines.

New England Patriots (6-1) - 20% chance
Putting aside jokes about Tom Brady's hair and Bill Belichick's style trends, the Patriots simply know how to win. White America (underrated Eminem song) can't help but pull for the likes of Wes Welker and Danny Woodhead. After the Browns game this weekend, the Patriots will figure out just how good they are with a trip to Pittsburgh and a rematch with the Colts in Foxboro (which somehow is not a primetime game). I know I'm a month late on this, but Brandon Tate could be the key to the Patriots' success, since Deion Branch has looked older than Mick Jagger in his last couple games.

Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2) - 20% chance
The Steelers are likely the most balanced team in the NFL. Big Ben has the receivers to carve up a defense, and Rashard Mendenhall emerged as the real deal this year. Since James Harrison isn't retiring any time soon and Troy Polamalu is still the best defensive player in the league, Pittsburgh makes a solid case for a Super Bowl run once again. Queue everyone's favorite playoff sports question. Does experience always trump old age come playoff time? The Steelers can't afford any key guys to go down with injuries if they want to bring home another ring for the Rooneys.

New York Jets (5-2) - 20% chance
The Jets defense is good. Really good. Mark Sanchez...not so much. Rex Ryan (and his 582-pound ego) put the weight of New York City on Sanchez's shoulders this offseason by naming the Jets the Super Bowl favorites. Can the Jets still win if Marky Mark's Funky Bunch (Shonn Greene and LT) don't control the game? The Green Bay Packers may have laid the blueprint for how to beat Fireman Ed & Co. this year.

Baltimore Ravens (5-2) - 10% chance
Over the summer, NFL gurus across the country were pledging their undying loyalty to Joe Flacco. While Flacco and Anquan Boldin were quick to develop some chemistry, whether or not the Delaware Blue Hen can lead the Ravens to the big game remains to be seen (my money's on no). But Ed Reed improves a secondary in need of an upgrade, and Ray Lewis is still the last man I'd want to bump into in a dark alley. If nothing else, the Ravens will continue to win the award for "Scariest Team to Look Across the Sideline At."

Tennessee Titans (5-3) - 4% chance
Fear the Gold Grill. Whether it's Kerry Collins or Vince Young under center, Chris Johnson gives the Titans a shot every Sunday. Unfortunately, the defense is nowhere near what it used to be and Tennessee's other offensive options are limited at best. But if Lil Wayne can still put out CDs while in jail, why can't Chris Johnson put the Titans in the Super Bowl?

Kansas City Chiefs (5-2) - 1% chance
Yes, the Kansas City Chiefs. Aubrey Huff and Edgar Renteria led the San Francisco Giants to a World Series title, so I see no reason why Jamaal Charles and Thomas Jones can't do the same for the Chiefs. With nine games left, Kansas City only plays one legitimate contender (Tennessee at home in Week 16). While I realize how crazy it sounds, Kansas City has a chance for a first-round bye in the AFC playoffs. My Crazy Theory: The rest of the AFC beats each other up as the Chiefs get the top spot in the AFC at 12-4. Call me crazy, but having the AFC title go through Arrowhead Stadium would make things awfully interesting in late January.


The eyes are the groin of the head.

Top 10 Reasons to Watch Cincy's Two-Headed Vh1 Special

Apparently, the Football Gods are punishing Marvin Lewis for winning a Super Bowl with the Baltimore Ravens - with one of the most talented defenses the NFL has ever seen. But for those of us who needed one more reason to watch Bengals games this year, our prayers have been answered (while foreshadowing Carson Palmer's nightmares).

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Palmer is all for T.O. lining up across from Chad Ochocinco right now (not mention throwing Antonio Bryant in the slot). Defensive coordinators will lose plenty of sleep trying to figure out ways to cover everyone. But then the middle of the season will arrive. Jeff Garcia, Donovan McNabb, Tony Romo and Trent Edwards will all hear their phones ring. A whispered "You were right" will bring a smile to their faces as Palmer is busy applauding LeBron James for getting out of Ohio when he had the chance.

Everyone is saying they'll coexist just fine, but the team will inevitably find a way to tear itself apart. It has to, right? I mean, Ochocinco, T.O., and Bryant won't be happy going more than two games without padding their stats. And then you have to keep Cedric Benson off his boat, Adam "Pacman" Jones out of strip clubs and Tank Johnson's guns at home. A stress ball the size of Albert Haynesworth couldn't keep Marvin Lewis from going into cardiac arrest by Week 9.


If nothing else, it will make for great television (which both Ochocinco's and Owens's shows failed to do on Vh1). I'm sure NBC is salivating at the off-chance the Bengals make it to the end of the year in one piece so every Sunday night game can magically get "flexed" to showcase the Bengals' cast of characters. Speaking of characters, I would totally buy these guys going into production for Bad Boys 3 during training camp. Owens fits the muscular Will Smith role and Ochocinco and Martin Lawrence are both using bad jokes to remain relevant. Meanwhile, you have Pacman and Tank Johnson caught up in a drive-by as the camera pans over to Cedric Benson grabbing his last bottle of Hennessy off his sinking boat as the cops chase after him. It screams "Michael Bay movie" already.

But the real reason why we love Ochocinco and T.O. is for their football-related antics. So, I put together the Top 10 reasons to tune in to every Bengals game (especially the post-game interviews) this year.


10. T.O. Mocks Ray Lewis Dance




How much will Ray Lewis be looking forward to playing the Bengals? September 19th and January 2nd (in case you were wondering). That means the Bengals and Ravens end the season against one another. Roger Goodell was just spotted screaming with excitement like a 14-year-old girl after hugging Robert Pattinson.



9. You Never Know When T.O. Will Steal Your Popcorn




While T.O. never quite fulfilled his popcorn promise to Bills fans, Carson Palmer can actually throw the ball.



8. Ochocinco Kickoffs to T.O. in Practice?




Chad legitimately did a good job in his limited kicking duties. Maybe the Bengals can use their kicker's roster spot to add an extra team psychiatrist?



7. More Driveway Workouts? (Sorry about the poor video quality)




Will T.O. love Bengals fans like he loved Philly fans? Or will too many sit-ups go to his head (again)?



6. Next on Ochocinco's List: A Steel City Swan Song?






Everyone else loved giving Ochocinco the One Finger Salute, so I see no reason why Steeler fans would be any different. Although I suppose it's a bit difficult to give a guy the finger when you're too busy waving a yellow towel over your head like a hooligan.



5. Ochocinco by a Nose




Every practice should start with a mandatory race between Ochocinco and T.O. The winner shows off their newest celebration, and the loser has to go through practice silent (or at least see if they can make it the first hour).



4. "America's Team" Gets Punk'd by T.O. (twice)




No one hates the Cowboys more than me. But I'm also a card-carrying member of the "Send T.O. to Antarctica" fan club. But then watching T.O. get blasted from behind? A win-win-win.



3. Ochocinco Busts a Move...(love the background bagpipes)




I'd have to call this Ochocinco's best work. Not only is it nifty, but he doesn't get beer thrown on him by an obnoxious fan.



2. ...And Takes His Talents to ABC




Ochocinco and Cheryl Burke couldn't look less interested during this interview. But at least he shows off his humility. "I know I can do just about anything." (Dancing in the club doesn't count though, of course).



1. T.O.'s Tears for Tony




I actually hated Owens a little less after this speech. It appeared somewhat genuine, and a receiver not throwing the quarterback under the bus was refreshing. But Jessica Simpson and a Mexican-tan were too much for Tony Romo to resist. Before you know it, Tough Love's Steve Ward will be sitting down with Carson Palmer's wife asking her if "she really had to sleep with both T.O. and Ochocinco in the same week?"



Let's hug it out.