Top 10 Reasons to Watch Cincy's Two-Headed Vh1 Special

Apparently, the Football Gods are punishing Marvin Lewis for winning a Super Bowl with the Baltimore Ravens - with one of the most talented defenses the NFL has ever seen. But for those of us who needed one more reason to watch Bengals games this year, our prayers have been answered (while foreshadowing Carson Palmer's nightmares).

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Palmer is all for T.O. lining up across from Chad Ochocinco right now (not mention throwing Antonio Bryant in the slot). Defensive coordinators will lose plenty of sleep trying to figure out ways to cover everyone. But then the middle of the season will arrive. Jeff Garcia, Donovan McNabb, Tony Romo and Trent Edwards will all hear their phones ring. A whispered "You were right" will bring a smile to their faces as Palmer is busy applauding LeBron James for getting out of Ohio when he had the chance.

Everyone is saying they'll coexist just fine, but the team will inevitably find a way to tear itself apart. It has to, right? I mean, Ochocinco, T.O., and Bryant won't be happy going more than two games without padding their stats. And then you have to keep Cedric Benson off his boat, Adam "Pacman" Jones out of strip clubs and Tank Johnson's guns at home. A stress ball the size of Albert Haynesworth couldn't keep Marvin Lewis from going into cardiac arrest by Week 9.


If nothing else, it will make for great television (which both Ochocinco's and Owens's shows failed to do on Vh1). I'm sure NBC is salivating at the off-chance the Bengals make it to the end of the year in one piece so every Sunday night game can magically get "flexed" to showcase the Bengals' cast of characters. Speaking of characters, I would totally buy these guys going into production for Bad Boys 3 during training camp. Owens fits the muscular Will Smith role and Ochocinco and Martin Lawrence are both using bad jokes to remain relevant. Meanwhile, you have Pacman and Tank Johnson caught up in a drive-by as the camera pans over to Cedric Benson grabbing his last bottle of Hennessy off his sinking boat as the cops chase after him. It screams "Michael Bay movie" already.

But the real reason why we love Ochocinco and T.O. is for their football-related antics. So, I put together the Top 10 reasons to tune in to every Bengals game (especially the post-game interviews) this year.


10. T.O. Mocks Ray Lewis Dance




How much will Ray Lewis be looking forward to playing the Bengals? September 19th and January 2nd (in case you were wondering). That means the Bengals and Ravens end the season against one another. Roger Goodell was just spotted screaming with excitement like a 14-year-old girl after hugging Robert Pattinson.



9. You Never Know When T.O. Will Steal Your Popcorn




While T.O. never quite fulfilled his popcorn promise to Bills fans, Carson Palmer can actually throw the ball.



8. Ochocinco Kickoffs to T.O. in Practice?




Chad legitimately did a good job in his limited kicking duties. Maybe the Bengals can use their kicker's roster spot to add an extra team psychiatrist?



7. More Driveway Workouts? (Sorry about the poor video quality)




Will T.O. love Bengals fans like he loved Philly fans? Or will too many sit-ups go to his head (again)?



6. Next on Ochocinco's List: A Steel City Swan Song?






Everyone else loved giving Ochocinco the One Finger Salute, so I see no reason why Steeler fans would be any different. Although I suppose it's a bit difficult to give a guy the finger when you're too busy waving a yellow towel over your head like a hooligan.



5. Ochocinco by a Nose




Every practice should start with a mandatory race between Ochocinco and T.O. The winner shows off their newest celebration, and the loser has to go through practice silent (or at least see if they can make it the first hour).



4. "America's Team" Gets Punk'd by T.O. (twice)




No one hates the Cowboys more than me. But I'm also a card-carrying member of the "Send T.O. to Antarctica" fan club. But then watching T.O. get blasted from behind? A win-win-win.



3. Ochocinco Busts a Move...(love the background bagpipes)




I'd have to call this Ochocinco's best work. Not only is it nifty, but he doesn't get beer thrown on him by an obnoxious fan.



2. ...And Takes His Talents to ABC




Ochocinco and Cheryl Burke couldn't look less interested during this interview. But at least he shows off his humility. "I know I can do just about anything." (Dancing in the club doesn't count though, of course).



1. T.O.'s Tears for Tony




I actually hated Owens a little less after this speech. It appeared somewhat genuine, and a receiver not throwing the quarterback under the bus was refreshing. But Jessica Simpson and a Mexican-tan were too much for Tony Romo to resist. Before you know it, Tough Love's Steve Ward will be sitting down with Carson Palmer's wife asking her if "she really had to sleep with both T.O. and Ochocinco in the same week?"



Let's hug it out.

MLB Trade Deadline

Dan Haren's move to the Angels yesterday jump-started perhaps the most anxious week in all of baseball. Every team and their fans are hoping for that one big move (ala C.C. Sabathia heading to Milwaukee to make the Brewers contenders for half a season). Even if your team is already out of the playoff race, the trade deadline offers hope for next year. Think of it as the cute girl finally kissing you on prom night. High school might've sucked, but now you have college to look forward to (I'm talking to you Royals fans).

This is the one week of the baseball season where the Pirates actually have a legitimate chance of making headlines. Plenty of bad deals and failed prospects have kept the Pirates from the postseason since 1992. Back then Sharon Stone uncrossed her legs at will and Disney was in its prime with animated movies (Aladdin that year was a personal favorite). But at least the franchise can build around its new stadium (PNC Park is worth the price of admission if you haven't seen it), while the management continues to keep the Pirates in the National League's cellar.

But at least Pittsburgh has the Big Ben-to-Santonio Holmes connection to cure the city's woes come September. Oh wait. Holmes got suspended and then traded? And Big Ben is scheduled to miss the first six weeks of the season? Ouch. The Penguins can't get back on the ice soon enough. Sidney Crosby means about as much to Pittsburgh right now as Bono does to U2. Although with a guitarist like The Edge, I think the band would still find a way to get by.

Everyone always looks to add the marquee pitcher at the deadline. The big bat is nice, but a starting pitcher can win you a playoff series. With Haren already on his way out of Arizona and the Rangers pouncing on Cliff Lee a few weeks ago, Roy Oswalt's value is higher than ever. The Cardinals and Phillies appear to be at the front of the pack. Oswalt to St. Louis would probably make the Cardinals the favorites to win the NL with a rotation of Carpenter-Wainwright-Oswalt, not to mention the year rookie Jaime Garcia is having for the Cards.

But the Phils are more desperate than ever. With Jamie Moyer's elbow issues, Phillies GM Ruben Amaro will be even more anxious to throw the kitchen sink at the Astros for Oswalt. And with Jayson Werth leaving Philadelphia considered to be a done deal, the Phils have plenty to offer Houston.

This could mean a trade deadline without the Yankees or Red Sox making the rest of the league jealous of their over-sized pocket books. It's like a summer where Will Smith and Johnny Depp both decide not to make a movie. That happened too? But seriously, how happy are Rays fans right now? It's gotta be something close to the satisfaction of watching the overweight bully in middle school get put in time out.

While on the topic of overweight bullies, maybe Prince Fielder and Adam Dunn will find new homes in a couple of days. The Nationals are in need of putting multiple pieces around Strasburg if they want to make his career mean something in D.C. And the Brewers' baseball relevance didn't last too long as they are back in rebuilding mode once again. Personally, I wouldn't be against seeing Fielder waddle around the bases down in Atlanta. But I suppose there's about as good a chance of that happening as FOX becoming a real news station.

Lord, beer me strength.

Hello World

Alright, so this blog might not be as big as Tiger Woods bursting onto the scene. My readers will likely consist of my friends until I can convince someone else to read it. Although I still do enjoy hearing my mom tell me "what a special little boy" I am.

For the few that are actually reading, the columns will talk about daily sports happenings. But incorporate a little bit of humor as well (at least I hope). Everyone experiences sports at some point. Whether you played soccer as a five year old for the orange team or became the newest overpaid member of the Philadelphia 76ers, we all appreciate different things about different sports. I hope everyone picked up on The Office reference there. If not, it's now my job to convince you to watch the final season come September.

I'll throw in a little bias here and there (Olivia Wilde is still hotter than Megan Fox). And yes, plenty of it will have absolutely nothing to do with sports. But that's why sports are so great. You can go from talking about Tiger Woods not being able to keep it in his pants to how your best friend got knocked up on prom night. Sports are a universal connector.

Speaking of not being able to keep it in your pants, investigators are finally starting to build their case against Ribery and Co. in France. As if the French weren't embarrassed enough in South Africa, the world is going to know the details of how they all still have to pay for women. Franck Ribery may be a little rough on the eyes, but come on. Rough summer for France. Best to keep people away from the top of the Eiffel Tower for awhile.

But, hopefully I'll be able to discuss all relevant sports (maybe even a monthly curling story). But feel free to post comments if you want to hear more talk about one thing or another.

One love Mary J.