How the NFL Season is Going to End

With the NFL hitting its midway point, I haven't been able to turn on a sports channel or scroll through a sports site without inevitably being subjected to some bland midseason awards segment. So as I slowly sank into my all-too-comfortable chair, I was gifted with another great idea to kill time with some football nerdiness.

Since people exhausted most of the reasons why Aaron Rodgers is going to win the MVP or how the Steelers and 49ers are playing so well right, I figured I'd tell you how the NFL season would end.

So I went through the remaining games on the schedule and spent a couple minutes determining the outcome of each one (See, this is the great thing about being unemployed. Clearly, a real job would keep me from all this insomnia-induced fun. Pretty much, I feel like Edward Norton pre-Tyler Durden right now).

Anyway, I'll give a quick recap of how I think the regular season will play out, but if you want to check out the final standings, click here (I know it doesn't look like a hyperlink because Blogger sucks, but "click here" is actually a link).

Here are a few things I found interesting when I looked back:

1. I somehow have the Jets winning their next nine games to finish 13-3, win the division ahead of the Patriots and earn a bye. I don't know why. I hate the Jets. The Jets are the Kim Kardashians of the NFL. I just think they'll beat the Patriots, Eagles and the Bills twice (their only difficult games remaining).

2. The Eagles will miss the playoffs because of their early-season losses. This is actually really interesting if you get into the tiebreakers. The Cowboys and Eagles will both finish 10-6 to tie for first in the division. Since the Cowboys will beat the Eagles to even the head-to-head series, the tiebreaker goes to division games (where I also think they'll be tied thanks to splitting with the Giants and sweeping the Redskins). Next up on the division tiebreaker list: common games, which means their games against the NFC West and AFC East. This is where the Cowboys beating the 49ers and the Eagles blowing a 20-point lead against them will cost Philadelphia (also the Eagles already lost to the Bills and the Cowboys still get to play Buffalo in Dallas).

As if that wasn't hard enough for my Philly heart to take, the Falcons, who also will finish 10-6, earn the final wild-card spot ahead of the Eagles thanks to that Week 2 collapse after Michael Vick left with a concussion. If this actually happens, it'll replace the end of Old Yeller as the saddest moment in the "It's not that serious, but I still can't help but get emotional" section of my life. I'm fairly confident Old Yeller is the guy version of The Notebook.

3. The Ravens could yet again have to go through Pittsburgh if they fail to top the Steelers for the division title. Joe Flacco hasn't gotten any better, so the Ravens best hope relies on the Steelers' defense continuing to lose its main guys to injuries (looks like Woodley and Harrison might not play this week). If the Ravens have any chance at making a run at the Super Bowl, winning the division is a must.

4. Thanks to an unforgivably horrendous division, the 49ers appear to be a near-lock for the second bye in the NFC. Unfortunately for San Francisco, the Niners don't match up well with a lot of their potential opponents (the Saints, Cowboys, and Lions all excel at throwing the ball). I don't want to compare the 49ers to last year's Chiefs, but a similar playoff outcome appears likely.

5. After all of the futility in the NFL's basement, the winner of the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes could come down to a coin flip (cue an exorbitant amount of corny Luck headlines). If the Dolphins and Colts both finish at 1-15, their fate could be determined by a simple "heads or tails" call. How fitting.

6. If the playoffs actually turn out this way, we'll be in for a fantastic wild-card weekend. Without further ado, here's the playoff breakdown.


WILD CARD

(3) Saints 27, (6) Falcons 24 - Whenever two division rivals meet in the playoffs, it's almost always a must-see game. Offensively, both teams are great at what the other team struggles to stop (the Falcons can't stop the pass and the Saints can't stop the run). But playing at home gives the Saints a notable advantage, and unless Drew Brees throws one-too-many interceptions, New Orleans marches on.

(5) Lions 24, (4) Cowboys 21 - A rematch from an early-season game where the Cowboys jumped out to a quick lead at home only to watch the Calvin Johnson Show snatch a win for Detroit. The sequel should be even better than the original (I'm thinking Superman 2 besting the first simply because the action and villains are too good. And yes, Dallas will definitely be considered the villains in this game).

Quick side note. The NFL should really think about adopting the NBA's playoff standard for home-field advantage. As exciting as last season's Seahawks upset of the Saints was, the team with the better record deserves to play at home.

(3) Chargers 20, (6) Ravens 17 - This is the worst possible draw for Baltimore. The Chargers defense is good at stopping the run and creating turnovers. San Diego doesn't run the ball (the Ravens' biggest strength is their run defense), and I'm still not sold on the Baltimore secondary (outside of Ed Reed, of course). The only way I see the Ravens winning this game is if Ed Reed returns an interception for a touchdown.

Another quick side note. This would be a rematch of the Week 15 Sunday Night game. With only three weeks in between games, it's safe to say not much would change. I'd give a big advantage to Baltimore's coaching staff over San Diego's when it comes to making the right adjustments (basically because Norv Turner lives to fail), so there's your hope Ravens fans.

(5) Patriots 31, (4) Texans 21 - Easily the best scenario for the Patriots if they somehow don't win the division. Wade Phillips made great improvements to the Texans defense, but Tom Brady is still Tom Brady. Also, as bad as New England's passing defense has been so far, I don't trust Matt Schaub. Bill Belichick will take away Andre Johnson and the Patriots will advance.


DIVISIONAL

(1) Packers 23, (5) Lions 21 - Another great divisional showdown. The Lions match up very well against the Packers. Detroit arguably has the best pass rush in the league and Matt Stafford could pick apart Green Bay's secondary. The Packers will want to see the Lions about as badly as Shakira wants to see Gerard Pique, but Aaron Rodgers and his championship belt move on. The bigger concern: how do you cheat on Shakira? Seriously?

(3) Saints 19, (2) 49ers 13 - Not this year for the Niners. Frank Gore will have a great game. Drew Brees will have a better one. I would be surprised if Brees didn't throw the ball 55 times in this game given the brick wall Patrick Willis and San Francisco's rushing defense has created. But Alex Smith still plays for the 49ers so I'm betting heavily on a costly late-game interception to end San Fran's storybook season.

(5) Patriots 23, (1) Steelers 20 - This could arguably be the greatest second-round game of all time. I hate exaggeration and hyperbole, but it really doesn't get any better than this in the divisional round (which also makes this the hardest game of the bunch to call). The Steelers won the midseason game. The Patriots have Tom Brady. Both teams are overflowing with playoff experience. In the end, Pittsburgh keeps Brady and Co. in check for most of the game, but a last-minute, game-winning touchdown to The Great White Hope (aka Wes Welker) sends New England on to the next round.

(3) Chargers 16, (2) Jets 10 - Another intriguing rematch from the middle of the season. Remember when I said I hate the Jets? Here's my redemption for giving them a bye. New York's D will frustrate Philip Rivers all day, but Mark Sanchez will do his best to keep his team from fulfilling Rex Ryan's promise. And then Jets fans will go all Gangs of New York on Sanchez as his NFL career goes the way of Jake Delhomme.


CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS

(1) Packers 34, (3) Saints 30 - By now, the opening game of the season seems like a distant memory, but it sure was one hell of a game. Not much defense was played, and not much will be played here again. But Charles Woodson and the Packers defense is just good enough to hold the Saints to a couple field goals as Green Bay returns to the Super Bowl.

(5) Patriots 30, (3) Chargers 24 - Another shootout. Tom Brady is better than Philip Rivers. More importantly, Bill Belichick is substantially better than Norv Turner. I'd say it's like comparing Emma Watson to Rosie O'Donnell. It's just not fair. New England outscores San Diego, rumors swirl about Turner getting fired and the Patriots return to the big game.


SUPER BOWL

Packers 31, Patriots 27 - Would be a phenomenal Super Bowl for every imaginable reason. New dynasty versus old dynasty. The likable Aaron Rodgers against the douche bag Tom Brady. But the most intriguing match-up? Charles Woodson on Wes Welker. The best slot cover guy in the NFL against the best slot receiver. Kanye versus Taylor Swift. Jimmy Fallon versus being funny. NBA owners versus the players. The analogies could go on for days (Christian Bale versus anger management?).

Anyway, the Packers will win back-to-back titles as Vince Lombardi lights up a cigar from the grave. It looks like we're headed for another fantastic finish to the season. So pull up a chair, order some pizza and wings (and NFL Red Zone if you haven't already), forget that you have work to get done and enjoy it before Mel Kiper Jr. returns.



I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a carpenter...who builds stairs.